STRAYING MEN &WOMEN IN PAIN

It is a well known phenomenon that men who habitually stray often have women who are in complete denial/acceptance of their proclivities, making it easier for them to play the field. Who are these men and women? I explore the psychological aspects of this trend. This story came after the Shiney Ahuja incident and was meant to be topical.

Now, many of you who have already read this article and commented 1) What a male bashing article! 2) What about the women who stray? – My apologies. This 1000 word story is just about the men because I realized I have to compile a book if I started writing about women. Besides I couldn’t find too many "straying women" who flaunt it as a pastime nor a word that was equivalent to being a female “Cassanova” – It isn’t so glamorous after all to be the slutty variety. On the flip side there were many male volunteers to speak to me honestly about their “adventures”. That explains how skewed our society is to such frolics While men can get away with such antics women are more often than not in great remorse, talking about their infidelity!!! That is my research! No one has to accept it.

Indulging in romantic peccadilloes may be even more exciting and dangerous than Spanish bullfighting. If you are a married man and straying is a pastime, you are probably dealing with a couple or more volatile companions, digging their heels to have a go at you. It takes enormous stamina to keep up the swashbuckling adventure, tremendous presence of mind and a great sense of humour. Needless to say habitually straying men are no ordinary mortals. They neither need a reason to stray nor feel any remorse playing the field. “Wandering into wild pastures for pleasures anew are a deeply embedded neural wiring they live with,” according Dr Ajay Tamhane, a clinical hypnotherapist and counselor. A trait that is evidently more common in men than in women for genetic and psychological reasons.

Women in permanent relationship with these men may range from the naïve Anupama Ahuja to the extremely emancipated Hillary Clinton - in complete or partial denial of their companion’s transgressions at first. They may acquire a more mature acceptance of their men’s wanderlust, a la Posh Beckham , who perceive marriage as a social investment/contract- eventually, something that needs to be worked out, at the face of it atleast. In extreme cases overpowered women are known to have even abetted their men in crime - all of which are more widespread than to be dismissed.

Why women “chose” to stay in manipulative/abusive relationships have filled volumes. Toput it simply “they are innately relationship driven”. No wonder the book, "Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray," by Debbie Then, shows accepting or enduring infidelity is a common phenomenon not limited to the poor or uneducated alone. Emotional, economic or social, (whatever the reasons are for women to accept the straying men back into their lives) is it finallu “our refusal to be empowered in matters of the heart, make us easy victims” according to Dr Gulshan Thukral.

With only 2% cheaters discovered, “straying may not evident during the early years of a relationship, when it is easier to break up,” observes Meera Menon. For someone who has been highly suspicious of her husband’s behavior over a decade, Meera is a perfect example of, women who will suffer a hunch but prefer to postpone the pain of discovering the truth for as long as they can. “It is better for most to continue with a known devil than an unknown one,” observes Dr. Thukral.

The men in question too may get gradually mired in behavioral patterns that are addictive and hard to get rid off. “When you have the money or power, it is an eye opener to see how frivolous experiences flow into your life, ten-a-penny. One has to be on guard and take a serious call to avoid such temptations,” according to globetrotting Jaideep Sengupta.

The men that eventually let their guard down, according to NLP trainer Dr. Tamhane, are “victims of Esteem Need.” Fame, power and projection are paramount to these people, both as means and end to a life. These stimulants make them grossly result driven, eventually reducing them to being petty opportunity seekers, as time goes by. It is a trap that tips their balance keeping them ensnared in their insecurities much like the women who are just relationship driven.

An interesting observation about men who habitually stray is that “they may be far brighter than their contemporaries, far more energetic and talented.” These are also men who have a natural propensity to gambling and taking high risks in life, often surviving as trailblazers. Over a time this skill is honed to a special acumen. Learning to process large chunks of diverse matter, synthesizing and simplifying them into simple formats and further manipulating them to give desired results become their forte.

Relationships, one of the most complex of all issues, have a special fascination for these men. Handling multiple challenging situations is a terribly addictive power trip and they simply enjoy it “as a game” as they grow older. “It is not the power of love that drives them to seek new companions but the love of power that almost compels them to behave in a particular way with both men and women,” points Tamhane. Availability of women as sexual objects is just an added flavor working in their favour, no more and no less. The real thrill is the chase, desiring “a certain result” and then manifesting it by hook or crook.

Habitual philanderers according Dr. Tamhane hardly ever pursue companionship for stability. Harassed wives may note it. Since these testosterone driven men are easily bored they look for constant stimulation to keep their adrenalin running high. They cannot be tied down. They will forever evade a commitment. They will forever remain emotionally unavailable. This trait comes as a challenge to women in love who desperately pursue them instead with a hope to domesticate them and rise in their lover’s eye as “that special woman.”

Unfortunately there is no special woman in these men’s life. Be it their wife, their muse or their mistress, women are just objects of gratification for habitual lovers. If they are discerning at all it is a matter of what is more enticing at a particular moment or what is more easily available. They will be equally enamoured with an intellectual companion or a dumb beauty. “It is finally the release that matters and not the person.”

The fact that these men know exactly what they want and how to eke out the game plan is a double whammy for them. The woman in question can be a blind jive partner for all they care, only willing to shake a leg. She doesn’t have to make any major move. He doesn’t want her to. The control remains with these men. The guy does it all, swerves her and throws her into the air and brings her down in a thud. As long as she is happy to take his cue and spin along she is makes an excellent companion. If she is decidedly mature and takes the onus of keeping the relationship alive despite his philandering she is given the status of an old shoe – a snug comfort zone, boring but stabilizing. He will come back to her only when he is uncertain of himself and needs reassurance. Any fear of losing a stable companion is brushed away in a joke by them. “There is always more where they came from”