THE BUSINESS OF MARRIAGE

Will new age marriages be more like business deals? I explore this sacrosanct institution poised for an overhaul…

They are being increasingly riddled with so many functional defects and compatibility issues that they are being tagged as ‘cosmic calamities’. Marriages used to be made in heaven but not anymore. “Why marry?” asks the modern generation. Give them a clue – For companionship? “And have your private space mortgaged for life?” they snap. Marry for children then? “…to fight bitter custodial battles later?” they retort. Sigh you are haunted by their question, “Why marry?” There used be so many good reasons at one time. We seem to be running out of them today.

Young adults perched between the devil and the deep sea, are questioning this institution more than ever. Yes marriage promises stability which is required at some stage to grow. It also spells boredom and living with a huge burden of expectations and duties. It might be a better idea to remain single than to join the bandwagon and perpetuate what most see as “sham” these days.

So what is marriage to the younger generation? A boring govt. job that comes with the assurance of a pension at best and therefore totally taken for granted? Since trust and fidelity, the foundation and ramparts, are severely shaken by the new age mantra, “Live it king-size,” marriages are dwindling into a joke or at best becoming hypocritical agreements. Does the concept of marriage as a sacrosanct contract for a lifetime need an overhaul to survive the changing times is the big question! It could at least do with an honest re-evaluation? The gen X has many questions and several doubts. There is one interesting theory too as to a how a new age marriage may finally evolve and survive.

Two recent movies “Love Aaaj Kaal” and “Life Partner” have looked into some of the aspects that are dominating relationships of the new era. With the personal agenda of advancement as the penultimate goal, life is becoming perfunctory and non emotional. There’s no denying the rat race. The “total available market” or TAM according to Rohit Nadig an IT professional, is shrinking at geometric progression as the population increases. There is simply no time to stand and stare or your piece of the pie will be walloped by someone else. Nurturing a love or a relationship does not even make it to the top three in the priority list. It is about me, me and me.

The need for companionship is still very much there. A committed relationship is however high maintenance and impossible to sustain. Loving feelings have therefore been reduced to frequent, casual emotional release with serial romance pushing serious romancing to the back burner. How do you help it when there is so little time to cultivate and strengthen deeper and more meaningful bonds? The new evolving generation is learning to be adaptable and flexible to its stressful, competitive environment at the detriment of their own emotional well being.

Meanwhile those who are already into a marriage some years down are looking for absolving logic to make their life easier. What’s wrong with a little flirting? Why can’t you have a close friend outside a marriage? Who says you cannot love more than one person? Why is having casual sex outside the marriage such a big deal? How can you help it when you are attracted to someone else with whom you spend more time than your spouce? What do you do when you a bored with your companion?

They may indulge in minor indiscretions as they manage to convince themselves that it is one life and it is a shame to go into the grave feeling sorry for oneself. The fact that it leads to brittle boundaries paving an easy path for the canker to eat away into the holy bond is a matter of some emotional turmoil – but then to live a sham is also not worth it according to most.

It is clearly infidelity more than incompatibility one is trying to deal with here. The increasing propensity in men and women to look for and enjoy casual but intimate friendships outside their committed relationships is getting harder to handle. When quality time spent together is at premium communication is bound to suffer. Expectations without communication produce an interesting cocktail of defiant behavior that gets hard to unentangle. Thereafter lies, deception, clever subterfuge everything is sought to keep the marriage intact, making it harder to live in truth with every passing day.

What could be so sacrosanct about this institution then that perpetuates boredom, stifles creativity, suffocates personal growth, burdens one with expectations and forces one to lie and deceive just to keep the peace at home? No one really likes to be cheating and flouting rules all the time. Marriages however do not allow openness beyond a point and communication barriers that grow over a period of time prove to be detrimental for the individuals as much as the couple. “I cannot mention my chat friends to my wife. She gets very annoyed,” says one harried husband. “I need a little sweet talk to keep going. I am so lonely looking after the children at home and doing nothing,” says a bored wife. Predictably the availability of a little romance right at yr finger tip on the social network sites is what making things a little more complex. But this is the reality and one cannot deny it.

Marriage maybe a safety net that comes with several short term and long term benefits, but not unless you are prepared to live by its rules. It is more than a give and take contract and needs a sensitive balance between personal growth and mutual advancement.

Yes it is a great system but the problem today is one of accountability. Once the deal is signed who decides what to give and how much to accept. While it is easy to track finances, other intangible areas of emotional companionship or fulfilling duties and obligations, cannot be determined in any predictable manner. Why so many marriages turn into a jail house or become a platform for a WWF wrestling championship is because people don’t see marriage as a serious business that gives dividend only when invested wisely.

Calling it is a business may not be altogether right but that is exactly what it may turn into in the near future. Partners will need a clear SOP to begin with and plan an exit point policy if and when the business starts floundering. It will be okay to look for better investment elsewhere and surrender when total emotional bankruptcy pushes one into withdrawing from the system altogether. So in future if instead of saying “I am having an affair” one says I have made a parallel investment it may sound less heart breaking and take away the sting from the secretive, painful nature of the investment programme. If affairs are a crisis that result in stress and trauma a realistic appreciation of stimulus packages required at such times may put things into perspective. When cost over-run is high one may decide to downsize expectations, dispose non profiting grudges or even look for new market opportunities to hedge oneself against fluctuations of feelings. One could even second mortgage oneself if one can afford it. You would be smack dab in the middle of a great trend if you insure your new venture.

Lack of whatever maybe turning marriages into bad investments if one accepts marriage as a business the book keeping may actually get better.